Welcoming the New Year with a Backlog of Old Posts :)

26th December 2010

In beautiful Portugal, looking at the beautiful people and enjoying the tranquility and serenity in the air :)

LOVE

Love is the sharing of the last chocolate

Love is the kiss after you’d already said goodbye

Love is the wanting to buy them that item just to make them smile

Love is the text message sent just after you got just off the phone

Love is the sharing of gloves

Love is compromise                                   

Love is being late with a smile

Love is the fearlessness

Love is the “I’ll bring this just in case They forget”

Love is the unnecessary seconds you stand there watching Them until they disappear..

Or you catch yourself.

Love is a simple calculation, complicated with the Math of Life.

 - Myozen

12th Novemeber 2010 (12.11.10.. Countdown to a new perspective; Me :)

Insight into Relationship

Its funny how people go into relationships thinking that if their the dominant partner the one that’s Liked and not the Like—ee then they’re in control of the relationship when really it’s the Like-er, the person who’s put themselves forward and admitted and showed their feelings, that is in control and the Like-ee is merely the receiver of this.

 For example if Bob tells Sandy that he really likes her and wants to have a relationship with her or move in or whatever, then that whole experience is based on and reliant on Bobs feelings for Sandy, Sandy is merely accepting and responding to them. However if/when Bob realises he no longer feels this way for Sandy then it is Sandy who is left powerless and hurt.

In hindsight, you could say, your either risking getting hurt at the beginning (by being rejected by the person you like) or being hurt at the end (the break up) which inevitably last and hurts longer.

25th October 2010

LOOL in advance: in my defence I was hurting !

 

POST BOYFRIEND STAGE

I find that I am much more aggressive and back to the angry, “You can’t go near, let alone touch, me” stage.

Having conversations with Ngozi and seeing and hearing her blatant yet cloaked disapproval of my responses, theories and judgements have highlighted this change, mainly because I just don’t care.

Being in a relationship where I cared so much for a person and put myself in a position where I allowed nothing and no one to prioritise him, has made not caring a much easier alternative.

Now-a-days I find I look down on people and excuse it by renaming it ‘Self respect’. In several aspects it is, however inside I know it’s really me just judging the person and deeming them not good enough for me.

I don’t know where this has come from as, as a child I was never praised profoundly, in school I was always too scared to stand out from the crowd and excel and the same could be said for college however inside I’ve always had this thing where I just know that someone is not good enough for me, or, better said, I could do better. Despite how you put it the facts remain, for example I wouldn’t/couldn’t ever take any boy seriously if they did a BTEC course. Although I know that it is technically the equivalent to A Levels, the fact that it isn’t A Levels would be a problem. There should be no ‘nearly’ or ‘is just like it’ about it, the fact that it is not it would be unacceptable and I would automatically lose respect for a boy upon learning this information.

Before BTEC was non-existent, however it is now the norm and is there to basically soften the blow that you’re not _____ (fill at your own discretion, i.e. smart enough) to do A Levels.

I know this sounds really harsh and you’re most probably thinking cold hearted, closed minded, lonely bitch, BITCH, BITCH but I don’t care; this is how I think.

I used to care and value so many people’s opinions however now I find that it’s pointless; caring gets you nowhere.

Before, I acted this way because it was just logical, you know? But now I’ve actually learned through experience.

To this day, I am alone, in a hostel, with 5 brothers and sisters, 2 parents, 1 bait secondary school and 2 bait colleges and 2 bait youth centres  behind me and yet still at times like these I have no one to talk to.

I know this is down to me in a sense, i.e. how I handled and maintained these friendships but the fundamentals behind friendships is what is really the problem, they’re not forever; they’re not stable.

This just highlights to me that you’re in this world alone; these people have and maybe will care for me again in the future however time waits for no one and neither am I. I can’t sit around moping until it’s convenient for someone to show love and care for me again. I’m a human being and I’m experiencing a lot, I can’t put that on hold until someone is ready to be there for me.

It’s these times and these situations that’ll that are building me into the beautiful, confident, strong woman I know I can and will be.

These constant let downs only encourage me to be stronger. Although it may sound like I’m some cold hearted bitch robot who has and will not gain any friends, as i said at the start – I don’t care.

I have tried to be nice; as a strong believer of Karma, in the beginning I initially remained a good friend to these people, in the hope that they’ll return the favour. However that failed and only left me hurting more when it did, so now I’m taking a new tact. Even though I know it’s because inside I’m still hurting about the whole break up etc. and I’m using that hurt as fuel to my anger and submissiveness ; life’s about experiencing, you know, so I’ll be giving this method a try.

21st September 2010

 This was originally meant to be my first post, now I just have to laugh at my neediness and neekiness. And the irony of the whole situation ofcourse.

I’m with the rest of the world, huffing and puffing, when someone strolls onto the bus and like a police siren, can be heard before seen. Their phone glued to their ear, loudly conversing or shouting the odds to the recipient of the call, the person sitting beside them and every other Tom, Dick and Harry confined within the buses walls.

However I am now sympathetic; having a boyfriend has converted me into one of these people, hybrid; I have joined the new race of the brazen. :S 

CASE STUDY #1

It was a Tuesday and I started college at 13.00 and had just finished, it was 16.00. I was on the 466 heading toward Croydon to meet Mr Myziiee (the boyfriend); today is the day we are booking our hotel and flight to Tenerife. 

However things went from bad to worse.

First indication that today was gonna go horrendously wrong was when I sent him a text asking where he was, he replied 10mins later saying he was still in lesson. Considering his class ended at 17.00 and it was now 17.15... You could bet your bottom dollar I was pissed (!), but I didn’t make an issue of it as today was meant to be sentimental; I was determined to make it perfect. 

(What you don’t know is (Background Info) there’d been a backlog of problems, the latest being the fact that as I started back at college 2 weeks before he did, his friends conveniently slotted into my place.

 It sounds cliché, petty and silly, I know, but I . Wasn’t . Pleased .

It went from annoyance at the fact that he wasn’t missing me to full blown outrage when he introduced the 20min duration between my original text and his reply and then when he had the audacity to stop picking up my calls (it only happened on one occasion but thats not the point, right?) Anyway...)

I was a stop away from my destination and who should I see casually strolling into Sainsbury’s, yes that’s right, Him, Mr Myziiee. I went mental !... Inside ;) I decided to not be the needy, impatient girlfriend that would call him and shout but to be the paranoid, needy, impatient girlfriend instead and wait for him to call me and see if he would lie. (Haha, we’ve all been there) ;-)

So I got off the bus and saw a male friend who has a habit of deliberately misreading our friendship but as Mr Myziiee was in my bad books i stopped and conversated. I was 3minutes deep into his monologue when Mr Myziie conveniently phoned, rearranging a place for us to meet. Ensuring he heard the male voice and the promise to keep in touch, I restarted my journey.

It was on my way to meeting my now irritated beau, that I met his questions fuelled by jelousy, these I disregarded and fired my own, and thus fell into the trap of conversing loudly on the bus.

 Sorry :)