25th October 2010

LOOL in advance: in my defence I was hurting !

 

POST BOYFRIEND STAGE

I find that I am much more aggressive and back to the angry, “You can’t go near, let alone touch, me” stage.

Having conversations with Ngozi and seeing and hearing her blatant yet cloaked disapproval of my responses, theories and judgements have highlighted this change, mainly because I just don’t care.

Being in a relationship where I cared so much for a person and put myself in a position where I allowed nothing and no one to prioritise him, has made not caring a much easier alternative.

Now-a-days I find I look down on people and excuse it by renaming it ‘Self respect’. In several aspects it is, however inside I know it’s really me just judging the person and deeming them not good enough for me.

I don’t know where this has come from as, as a child I was never praised profoundly, in school I was always too scared to stand out from the crowd and excel and the same could be said for college however inside I’ve always had this thing where I just know that someone is not good enough for me, or, better said, I could do better. Despite how you put it the facts remain, for example I wouldn’t/couldn’t ever take any boy seriously if they did a BTEC course. Although I know that it is technically the equivalent to A Levels, the fact that it isn’t A Levels would be a problem. There should be no ‘nearly’ or ‘is just like it’ about it, the fact that it is not it would be unacceptable and I would automatically lose respect for a boy upon learning this information.

Before BTEC was non-existent, however it is now the norm and is there to basically soften the blow that you’re not _____ (fill at your own discretion, i.e. smart enough) to do A Levels.

I know this sounds really harsh and you’re most probably thinking cold hearted, closed minded, lonely bitch, BITCH, BITCH but I don’t care; this is how I think.

I used to care and value so many people’s opinions however now I find that it’s pointless; caring gets you nowhere.

Before, I acted this way because it was just logical, you know? But now I’ve actually learned through experience.

To this day, I am alone, in a hostel, with 5 brothers and sisters, 2 parents, 1 bait secondary school and 2 bait colleges and 2 bait youth centres  behind me and yet still at times like these I have no one to talk to.

I know this is down to me in a sense, i.e. how I handled and maintained these friendships but the fundamentals behind friendships is what is really the problem, they’re not forever; they’re not stable.

This just highlights to me that you’re in this world alone; these people have and maybe will care for me again in the future however time waits for no one and neither am I. I can’t sit around moping until it’s convenient for someone to show love and care for me again. I’m a human being and I’m experiencing a lot, I can’t put that on hold until someone is ready to be there for me.

It’s these times and these situations that’ll that are building me into the beautiful, confident, strong woman I know I can and will be.

These constant let downs only encourage me to be stronger. Although it may sound like I’m some cold hearted bitch robot who has and will not gain any friends, as i said at the start – I don’t care.

I have tried to be nice; as a strong believer of Karma, in the beginning I initially remained a good friend to these people, in the hope that they’ll return the favour. However that failed and only left me hurting more when it did, so now I’m taking a new tact. Even though I know it’s because inside I’m still hurting about the whole break up etc. and I’m using that hurt as fuel to my anger and submissiveness ; life’s about experiencing, you know, so I’ll be giving this method a try.